[social_share]Dyson is a complex creature. He is the elephant in the room. And being an elephant in the room, he has a very negative personality, because he encapsulates all that is wrong but we don’t ever want to discuss or deal with.

So usually, all this is swept under a table somewhere or taped up in a box. A yellow box. And this is where Dyson resides. Each and every company in the world has its share of yellow boxes with creatures like Dyson residing within.

Being as negative as type O blood, Dyson speaks subconsciously to all of us and indirectly guides many of our everyday work behaviours. We don’t really like him but, here are some of his twisted words of “wisdom” for this month’s issue of The Duct Tape. His words; not ours!

How to completely disengage your employees – part I

Love, compassion, empathy, who needs it? After all, treating people with respect is overrated, isn’t it? I, Dyson, certainly believe so.

Nowadays, with managers’ hectic schedules and appointments and bonuses and whatnot, who has time for dealing with employees? Shouldn’t they be stuck in a cubicle somewhere? Why do you have to answer their constant barrage of questions, pat them on their backs, and pretend they are a part of your team? Of course they’re not, it’s an exclusive club you belong to, that of being The Boss, and they need to deserve the right to join.

Well, if you are a manager and want to get employees off your backs and back to their assembly lines, please find below some tips. From me to you. Go on, disengage them; they’re only employees.

5 easy ways to quickly disengage your employees

1:

Have an office.

Make sure you have an office. We can’t emphasise this point enough. Having an office as opposed to working at a desk among mere employees is vital to sealing off your kingdom from your staff. And make sure you also have thick blinds for any windows and a lock on your door; you don’t want them knowing you are in or disturbing you. What do they think; that you have an open door policy? Nonsense!

2:

Get a personal assistant. 

Have a personal assistant. You can have him/her as the physical barrier that patrols your kingdom. Train him/her well to block all calls, answer all silly queries, and bounce away those pesky intruders. If he/she is muscular and has an imposing demeanour, then even better.

3:

Respect the hierarchy.

Make sure you have a proper hierarchy in place; an organisational chart full of levels and all sorts of blocks to effective communication. This is vital. The more levels and blocks you have in your organisational structure, the more the employees will tire and get frustrated from trying to reach you. Design lots of hoops and loops they need to go through if they want to reach you; make it a decathlon.

4:

Talk on the phone.

If and when an employee makes it through all the above and actually gets to see you, then make sure you have a mobile phone with you. Picture this: the employee starts talking to you and you have to seem interested and attentive, and he/she keeps on going and going and going, on and on and on. What do you do? You answer a telephone call. How do you do this? You pre-arrange with your personal assistant to call you and say a client is on the other line two minutes after seeing an employee approach you. It works every time!

5:

No good mornings!

Don’t say “good morning” when you walk into the office in the morning. If you already do, then just cut “good morning” down to “morning” and then gradually shorten down even further to a mumble such as “Morn…” or “mmm…”. And eventually cut it all out; down to nothing. It’s not a good morning if you have to see their pathetic faces first thing when you get to work.

There you have it; five simple tips to disengage your employees and start the de-motivation process. It’s easy to do it if you just put your hearts into it.